My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
