i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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