so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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