i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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