I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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