Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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