so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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