I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
