dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize