I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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