Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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