sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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