nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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