Tell her she can't have a vagina
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
