Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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