Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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