Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
