hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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