Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
