Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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