please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
