Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
