absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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