Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize