The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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