Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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