My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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