i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize