Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
