I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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