So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
