I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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