"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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