i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
