I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
