We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
