dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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