Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
