Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
