You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
