i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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