in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
