the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
