I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
