I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
