saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
