can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
