Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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