We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
