We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
