Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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