I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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