I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
pop tarts are not kleenex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Your cock deserves a montage
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
