if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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