That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
