I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
