She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
