I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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