guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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