If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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