Where did you get a picture of my penis
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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