she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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