I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
